Lost and Found

I come from a big family.  No, I mean a BIG family.  My Grandma and Grandpa Johnson loved each other, but more importantly, they loved the Lord.  My mom was the fifth of ten kids.  I am one of forty-three grandkids, and my kids have been a part of being my grandmother's 100+ direct descendants.  Family get togethers are regularly over 100 people, all of us knowing each other and being a part of one another's lives.  I know it's unusual, but I think a big part of our closeness relates to the fact that the majority of us are not only bound together because we're "Johnsons", but we're bound together as a part of the much larger family of God.  We not only share blood in common, we share his blood in common.  Which leads me to the following story of God's great love and faithfulness.

Last January, my cousin Matt Johnson, was on a business trip to Japan.  He'd been there before, and being that he was an experienced mountain climber, he had attempted to summit the great Mt. Fuji.  He had been unable to, as weather had grown bad and he had to turn around.  Mt Fuji then became a goal, something to prepare for, something to research, something to go after.  So he did.  Knowing that he'd return again on business, my cousin spent months preparing to summit the peak of Mt. Fuji.  He had developed an exhaustive training regime, he'd researched and purchased equipment, he'd looked over maps, and routes and ways to get to the top.  He had gotten as prepared as he could to climb, and this time summit Mt. Fuji.

On January 16th, Matt did not show up to work in Japan, his coworkers knew something was wrong.  They knew he had attempted the climb, and they went looking for him.  His family got a call that no one should have to receive, and then the calls went out to the extended family from there.  I remember where I was when I got the phone call from my mom.  I remember collapsing in sobs to my knees, and I remember my sweet Melodie Joy, kissing me and giving me a hug on her way out the door to school saying, "Oh it's okay Mom.  I'm going to tell my teacher, and we're going to PRAY!  It's okay Mom, we're going to pray."  Thank you Jesus that my three year old daughter knows who to go to first when crisis strikes.  Thank you Jesus, that you are not a God who is far off.

Desperate to do "something", "anything", I went to facebook.  Yes, facebook has a horrible reputation about many things.  People are mean to one another, share things that they shouldn't, are to the millionth degree passively aggressive towards one another, or air their business that should remain private, BUT I thought, "I have a BIG family, most of whom is on facebook, most of whom need to know what is going on, and the family needs to not have to make a million calls to get the info around."  So, I started a private facebook group called, "Please Pray for Matt Johnson", thinking that at least a couple of hundred of my relatives may join, or Matt's sister's friends, etc.  I had no idea what was about to unfold.

The Please Pray for Matt Johnson page quickly spread like wildfire, with my cousins, friends etc sending invites to their friends to come and join.  Not to gawk, not to watch a show, not to passively look at and say, "oh, that's so sad".  Rather, over facebook, an entire family that is spread out throughout the country, along with their friends, relatives and aquaintances were able to come together to do one thing.  We came together to pray.  Now, I grew up in a family that prays.  I grew up with an extended family that prays, and many people have often commented about how special that is.  But now, seemingly in an instant that prayer life, that family of believers was on display for the world, literally the world to see.  Again, not to gawk, but to be welcomed in to pray with us.  To go before the Lord, and to not be satisfied in leaving until an answer was given.  My cousin went missing on a mountain in Japan, and 3,200 strangers banded together to pound on the doors of Heaven seeking his rescue and safe return.  3,200 strangers, many, oh so many of whom had never fasted in their lives, never lamented with such weeping before the Lord, never had gone to a prayer meeting, went.  They fasted with us, they prayed with us, and they were able to go to a prayer meeting with us, many for the first time in their lives.  Strangers committed to praying around the clock for my cousin's safe return.  A 24 hour prayer schedule went out, and everyday the time slots were filled.  Two weeks of night and day prayer, fasting and worshipped happened.  And the best part?  It wasn't bound by denomination.  It wasn't bound by doctrines or theologies.  It wasn't bound by time (as many could look at the prayers people had said from minutes, hours, or days past and join in), it wasn't bound by location, and it wasn't even bound by knowing Matt.  God was up to something.  He had a plan for this.  He'd given an answer (Daniel 9:23) as soon as we had begun to pray.

But two weeks after the prayer surge, the rededicating of peoples' lives to the Lord, the witness of faith and the testimony of Matt's life going out, the disheartening news went forth that the last search.  The search that carried the list bit of hope of finding my cousin alive had turned up empty.  He was not found, and most likely would not be until the snow melted.  For many, that would have been the crushing blow.  For many, that would have been the point of going back and saying that they were done.  But how could we?  You see, for us, faith is, and has always been "being sure of what we hope for, and confident of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1  While the news and reality of my cousin having died on Mt. Fuji was terrible, it would have been horrifying had we not known that Matt had known the Lord.  I love the way The Message - Bible puts 2 Corinthians 5:6-8 "That's why we live with such good cheer. You won't see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don't get us down. They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It's what we trust in but don't yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we'll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming."  And you know what's cool?  3,200+ people got to see that verse lived out by a family who was hurting and grieving the loss of a son, a brother, an uncle and cousin.  You see, we, and very much Matt's parents and sisters, grieve the loss of their beloved because it's the finality of it here on earth.  But they very much rejoice in knowing where Matt is with 100% assurance, with no doubts and no regrets.

I will say this, I had many, "I don't get it God" conversations over the next several weeks.  Many, "God, why would you do things this way?  It felt like you were doing something big God...why would you make it so that you didn't get the glory?  What are you up to God?  Again Lord, why would you have so many people gather together, believing in you?  Believing in your power, believing in your miracles....I mean, many actually believing for the first time?  You were on stage God, and you didn't show up.  I don't get it.  What happened?"  And in the midst of these conversations, a deep peace continued to well within my spirit.  But honestly, I was irritated.  I had many more conversations with the Lord, "Thank you for your peace God.  I know that we came to you first, and had we not done that, we would've been in trouble, we would have had regrets, but why?  Why didn't you take this opportunity to show people that you're still in the miracle business?  I know you are, but I wanted them to see it.  Why would you gather 3,200+ people together, waiting for you miracle and then nothing?  I wanted my cousin to walk off that mountain by your might God.  I still don't get it.  Please still take the glory God.  Find something.  Make it meaningful, Lord.  Have the glory God, even when I don't get it."

Prayers changed over the next several months, and again, I thought that this random group of people who had bonded together over such a great tragedy would diminish, but surprisingly it did not.  People stayed, praying, fasting and praying for peace, answers and for Matt to be found soon.  Even more remarkably, people continued to daily post what a blessing it was for them to see faith in action.  To see a real family bonded together in Christ, unshakeable, immoveable.  My thoughts shifted to, "Is this what this was all for God?  For people to REALLY see what faith looks like?"

Last week my cousin was found.  He was found perfectly whole, intact and with answers showing that he had not suffered.  From all counts, things indicated that he had made it close, if not to the top of Mt. Fuji and had either been blown off the summit or fallen on the descent.  And it was bittersweet.  Bittersweet to know that he had been found and that the worry of him never being found was over, but also sad that he hadn't been one of those that just gets lost on the way down and was traversing the back country of Japan only to turn up in a tea house saying, "Hey, I'm Matt Johnson and I've been lost for a bit."  And while it was nice to know that he didn't suffer,  there were still many questions about what happened.  Questions that it was thought may never be answered or known until yesterday when Matt's camera was found.  So much more than a needle in a hay stack, but on it, pictures of Matt on Mt. Fuji, and most importantly, standing proudly on the summit.  He'd made it!  Short of him walking off Mt. Fuji whole, this was more than could ever have been expected.  Prayers and intercession of thousands have lead to answers and peace for a family who has lost someone incredible, and the big and small blessings continue to flow.  What a mighty God we serve.  I had wondered what Matt had been picturing before he had climbed Mt. Fuji when in his last facebook status he wrote, "A picture is worth a thousand words - especially in a foreign country!"  God cares about the details.  He'd cared about the details since before Matt had even gone missing.  He cared about the family having seen him on Mt. Fuji.  He cared about Matt being found whole, and he cared about the 3,200+ people that came together.  It's never been about the numbers.  My cousin posted once during this whole ordeal that she wished people would stop posting the numbers, and she's right.  She said simply, my brother is missing and we want him to come home, that's what is important, not the numbers, and again she's right.  I bring them up for one reason and it's this.  My cousin Matt Johnson was a christian.  He lived his life for the Lord.  When my Aunt and Uncle went to clean out his apartment in addition to all of the preparation for the climb of Mt. Fuji, they found his Bible, open, preparing, well, for his climb of Mt. Fuji.  Matt didn't know that the day he would summit Mt. Fuji would be the day he also went home to be with Jesus.  But he went prepared.  He was ready.  And as a result of his departure, 3,200+ people were able to see and taste for the first time, or rededicate themselves for the rest of their lifetime to a lifestyle of serving Jesus.  Many saw faith in action, and what a real Christian family looks like.  While mourning the great loss of Matt here on earth, I rejoice at the great testimony that God gave Matt.  Because truth be told, Matt was safer climbing Mt. Fuji with Jesus, than he would have been lying in a hotel room without him.

Matt Johnson at the summit of Mt. Fuji.  

Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus?  If you don't, I'd love to tell you about him.  He's my best friend, my King and savior.  And although he's King of the universe, he loves me enough to answer my pleas for answers.  He'd love to do the same for you.

Perspective of a Four Year Old

God has been stirring a lot of things in my heart lately.  As with most journeys though, the prospect of "starting" has been a bit daunting.  A little background:

1)  I have known Jesus my entire life.  I can literally remember sitting in the front seat of my mom's silver station wagon at the age of 3 or 4 years old and asking her how I'd KNOW that when I died I'd go to heaven.  (May seem like a strange thing for a 3-4 to talk about, but when your life is surrounded by prayer, prayer meetings, church, grace, people reading the Bible, a Father who could ALWAYS be found reading his Bible with a glass of orange juice and buttered toast in the morning, you're going to get there something much bigger than you DOES exist)  My mom told me that I just needed to ask Jesus into my heart.  So I closed my eyes, pictured a Luke Skywalker sized action figurine in my head and asked Jesus to come and live in my heart, knowing that "Luke Skywalker sized action figurine-Jesus" had come and taken residence in me.  I have lived a life KNOWING Jesus ever since.

2)  At a young age I came to the understanding that I was made for something big in God's plan.  (Another sidenote: ALL of God's kids are made for something big.  Some plant, some sow, some reap, but no function of that harvest exists without the other)  In sixth grade we made a time capsule to be opened when we graduated 8th grade.  One of the questions we had to answer was, "What's one thing you want to do before you're done with middle school?"  My response: "To find out what God's purpose and mission for my life is".  In 8th grade I read that answer and though, "Gee, I failed on that didn't I?"  I share that, only to say, I have had a life seeking out the things of God, but not always heading straight into  what it is that He's had planned.

3)  The summer before and fall of starting my freshman year of college I became VERY sick.  My appendix had burst and I had a number of complications after that which led to me be on the very brink of Heaven.  I remember looking at my parents in the pre-op area before heading back for a third surgery after my appendix had burst and saying, "Hey, I want you to know that if I wake up from this, great, God still has something for me here.  But if I don't, even better, because I'm done.  I'm beyond exhausted and I'm ready for Heaven.  I'm ready to go home."  I remember waking up from surgery in my hospital room thinking, "Crap!  Apparently God still has something left for me to do here!  Okay, God, I'm yours because I honestly have NO strength left, and I don't get it".  From that point in my life on, things have been much easier.  It's good to be able to wake up in the morning and know that it's because God has purposed your days.  There really IS something left for you to do, no matter how much pain exists, physically, mentally or emotionally, that air in your lungs = purpose.

4)  Through college God blessed me with an incredible church where I really grew in the Lord.  I realized that my grand feelings of being made for "something big" weren't just feelings, but actually insight from the Lord.  I was made to pray for healing and miracles.  I was made to encourage.  I was made to teach, and I was made to prophecy.  In realizing each of those things God had to break down walls in my heart that I had built up around those things.  I had ideas of what they meant, and who God used to do them, but I was wrong.  I was prideful about those gifts without realizing it, and graciously, wonderfully, mercifully God opened my heart to see and repent of those things and to gently but loudly say, "It's not YOU, it's ME!  Give up allowing YOU to work, and start letting ME work."  An example, I cannot heal anything. Even as a nurse, I can't heal a dog gone thing.  God has set up healing measures in the midst of our bodies.  I can put neosporin on a wound and a band aid over it hoping that the wound heals, believing that the wound heals, but it's not the band aid or the neosporin that heals, it's the mechanisms in the body, that God created that heal each wounded cut.  It's the same in praying for someone with cancer.  I can't cut cancer out, or take it away, but miraculously God can.  He can heal the sick, make the lame walk, the blind see, the infirm firm.  He does it, but He, the author of creation and the giver of healing wants ME to stand in the gap and PRAY, believing that he can do it NOW.  It's been amazing to see the way God has healed people through prayer after that.  Duh, take ME out of the equation and there is a lot less stress on saying exactly the right thing, straining enough, contorting my face enough, being loud enough, etc.  Holy Jesus!  He ACTUALLY still shows up and does the things he did while he walked the face of the earth!  It's not about me, it's about HIS KINGDOM, and him touching other's hearts.

I was and am so thankful for the way my church in college let me step out in faith and grow in the Lord.  They allowed me to step out in ministries the way I was feeling led, to try things differently, to mess up graciously, to learn and to grow.  And I did A LOT of growing, learning and developing the gifts God had given me.  I fondly remember those times and am so thankful for who God molded me into during that time.

5)  After a season of marriage, my husband and I learned graciousness.  We had left the church where I had gone to through college, and that he had gone to since he became a Christian, and we began a journey together as one seeking out the leading and direction of the Lord.  We made A LOT of mistakes when we had left our church most definitely without intention but mistakes both small and large and we found that there were a lot of things we would do differently if we could.  But through that difficult experience we both learned how to experience and receive grace.  No, graciousness did not happen over night.  It didn't even happen after we had both received and extended it, and it most certainly has not yet been perfected in us.  It is SO much easier to hold a grudge, to feel entitled, to want to live in the hurt, but that is not freeing.  That is not life giving, and it didn't hurt anyone but ourselves.  In our hurt, we became aware of the great plank in our own eye and our great need for grace, and of our great need to extend it freely without expectation.  Psalm 145:8, "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in merciful love."  We both are so very thankful for that grace, and thankful every time we are able to extend it to others.  Luke 7:47, "For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much. "  Thank you Jesus for extended grace to me, that I would learn how to extend it to others.

6)  Our new church was VERY different than what both of us were accustomed to, and yet we knew that we were supposed to be there.  "Okay Lord, we don't get it, but we trust you!"  We both come from a charismatic background, and a Vineyard background where "if you're gifted in that area, take your gift and run with it".  That is very much the reason that I had grown into and developed the gifts that God put into me.  I was allowed to step out in them, be it teaching, healing, prophecy or prayer and I learned a lot about what to, and what not to do.  In our new church things functioned MUCH differently.  Now, I say this cautiously.  I'm in no way saying that one way was right, and the other is wrong.  They're just different.  But in many ways, Ryan and I both felt that we were taking a forced sabbatical from the constant "doing" and ministry that we'd been doing and working hard at in our previous church.  And while hard, it has resulted in a greater maturity.  It's easy to stand on the sidelines and be critical of ministries and people leading them when you want to operate in those things outside of the leading of God.  Funny enough, Ryan and I tried doing just that by becoming involved a ministry  at our church.  Now, it had been about two and a half years of going through our forced sabbatical and we were getting "itchy" to do something, ANYTHING and to just start getting active in the church.  So we joined a ministry, which is a fantastic ministry, went through some training and this funny thing happened.  I ended up on bedrest, Ryan ended up losing his job and we had to step back.  Ha!  We had followed ourselves into ministry instead of God!  We can look at that time and laugh now, but God sure did take us by the collar and rip us right out of the things we weren't supposed to be doing, didn't he! :) So thankful for a loving and compassionate King, honestly.  What other God loves us enough to not allow us to serve Him in an area that we're not supposed to be in?  My God does.

7)  All of this leads me to now.  I have been cautious and waiting for what it is that God has in store for our family, and for me.  The 6th grader in me is again crying out, "WHAT IS IT THAT YOU'VE MADE ME FOR?!!"  But the funny thing is this, I KNOW that God is taking me by the hand and standing at the door with me, next to me.  He's been leading me to this door my whole life, and the last several yards I've been looking all around, everywhere but at what's through that door.  I've been walking slower, hoping that this is it, wanting THIS to be it, but finally and for the first time in my life, not wanting it to be of me, from me, or in me at all.  I want THIS to be what God has for me and my family.  I want THIS to be what I was made for.  So, this morning my four year old, Melodie, wakes up and comes out into the living room and asks me, "Mom, can we snuggle and read the Bible together?"  She climbed up into my lap and I asked her what she wanted to read about, thinking that she'd say, "Oh, the lepers, or Adam and Eve, or Jesus, etc."  Instead, she thought about it and said without reservation, "John 5:20".  Hmm, I didn't know what John 5:20 said, I know that it wasn't one of her memory verses from school or Cubbies, sure, let's see what John 5:20 says Melodie.  "For the Lord loves the Son and show him all he does.  Yes, he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed."  We then went on to read the entire fifth chapter, after about the fifth question of "Mom, what does "..." mean?" Melodie quietly said, "Mom, I'm sorry I keep interrupting you telling the story."  My heart leapt within because I didn't mind at all, she really was wanting to KNOW my Jesus.  Praise God, and thank you Lord for leading Melodie to ask to read John 5:20 this morning.  I'm thankful that you've lead me to the door of the adventure you have for us and that this morning you clearly said, NOW is the time to open it!  Show us what you're doing Lord!  Let us ask questions so that we can KNOW what your are doing and let the "greater works" happen so that we and those around us can be amazed at our Jesus and King!  We love you Lord!

Reflection on grief

"I have been daily grateful for the friend who remarked that grief isolates. He did not mean only that I, grieving, am isolated from you, happy. He meant also that shared grief isolates the sharers from each other. Though united in that we are grieving, we grieve differently. As each death has its own character, so too each grief over a death has its own character-its own inscape. The dynamics of each person's sorrow must be allowed to work themselves out without judgment. I may find it strange that you should be tearful today but dry-eyed yesterday when my tears were yesterday. But my sorrow is not your sorrow. There's something more: I must struggle so hard to regain life that I cannot reach out to you. Nor you to me. The one not grieving must touch us both. It's when people are happy they say, "Let's get together"." Lament for a Son - Nicholas Wolterstorff (page 56)

My cousin's recent death while climbing Mt. Fuji in Japan, has caused me to reflect quite a bit on grief. Just as Nicholas Wolterstorff says, "grief isolates". It's such a very different experience for each of us, and yet, it should be so. My experiences with my cousin are different from his sister's experiences with him, his mother and father's experiences with him, his friends and co-worker's experiences. It is a testimony to our uniqueness to watch people grieve. It is a testimony to our soul, our personality, the "thing" that makes us different, special, loved, is the very thing that not only brings us together but also isolates us. My perspective on the death of my cousin is so very different than his sister's. I grieve for their loss, knowing that while I miss Matt, I know where he is and look forward to seeing him in heaven (such is the blessed promise of the resurrection, that promise coming by faith in Jesus), but my cousins grieve because although they know they'll see him again, right now a part of them is missing. Always one gone at dinner, always a phone call missing on their birthdays, always a laugh that is now not shared, now there is one sole keeper of an inside joke that no one will ever fully understand the funniness of. A unique perspective from this world is now gone, never again to be shared, and that is the harshness of grief.

Yet, we do laugh again, we do smile, we do find that although the colors of our world have faded-they do still exist. There are moments where we catch ourselves diving back into "life" again, and then we are caught altogether by the thought of "Matt will never see this again" and it brings us back. Why then are we forced to grieve? Why is it that we are allowed to pass through this harsh time yearning for our beloved and aching from our hurt? I believe that the simplest of answers is that this present time is not the fullness of the time to come. For now, we live in a time of the now, but not yet. Jesus has come. He has conquered death, but the fullness of his kingdom is not here yet. But we are promised that it is coming. We are promised that the victory shall be his. We are promised that death will be swallowed up forever. I look forward to that day. I look forward to the day of a new Heaven and a new Earth. One where there will be no more sorrow or mourning, but a day where we will worship the King in his fullness in the way that he has always intended for us. I do look forward to that day and I'm thankful. Thank you Lord that this is not the end. Thank you Lord that we are not here today and gone forever. Thank you Lord that you have a plan, have always had a plan, and that despite all of our shortcomings, you love us enough to complete your plan.

Isaiah 25:

¹ LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done wonderful things,
things planned long ago.
² You have made the city a heap of rubble,
the fortified town a ruin,
the foreigners’ stronghold a city no more;
it will never be rebuilt.
³ Therefore strong peoples will honor you;
cities of ruthless nations will revere you.
⁴ You have been a refuge for the poor,
a refuge for the needy in their distress,
a shelter from the storm
and a shade from the heat.
For the breath of the ruthless
is like a storm driving against a wall
⁵ and like the heat of the desert.
You silence the uproar of foreigners;
as heat is reduced by the shadow of a cloud,
so the song of the ruthless is stilled.

⁶ On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare
a feast of rich food for all peoples,
a banquet of aged wine—
the best of meats and the finest of wines.
⁷ On this mountain he will destroy
the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;
⁸ he will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
he will remove his people’s disgrace
from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken.

⁹ In that day they will say,

“Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”