Jesus...thank you for...

Every night before Melodie goes to be we pray with her. This has been every night since she was born until now. And now Melodie is at an age where she'll pray with us. Usually it goes a little something like:

us: "Lord"

MJ: "Lord"

us: "Thank you for"

MJ: "Tank you for:

us: "Mommy and Daddy"

MJ: "Mommy, Daddy"

etc, until we're done thanking God for the things in our lives, and praying for ours and other's needs. Well, last Thursday Melodie called an audible. We were praying like usual, and it went a little something like this:

us: "Lord"

MJ: "Lord, tank you forrrrrr......"

us: "oh, Melodie, what are you thankful for?"

MJ: "Pizzzzzzzzzzza!"

me: (hiding my face and giggling)

Ryan: "that's a great thing to be thankful for. What else are you thankful for?"

MJ: (pointing to Ryan's Brewers hat) "my hat! Jesus' name, AMEN!"

me: "well what about Daddy and Mommy?"

MJ: "um, Uh Mike, Auntie 'Ne....Jesus' name, AMEN!"

Apparently, we were left out, but that's alright. It made me smile all weekend thinking about it. That's right, with all of the worry, etc that we've had, it's great to be thankful for pizza, hats, uncle mike and auntie 'Ne.

Ready for spring

I've always loved the spring time. One of the reasons is that when growing up, snow melting equaled that it was time for soccer to restart. Give me a patch of grass and a ball and I could be content for endless hours.

This year, I'm ready for spring more so than I have been in the past. I'm ready for the life that comes with spring. The rebirth of things that have "gone to sleep" for winter, and the hope and promise of new life that comes with the warmer weather and brighter days. This winter has been a hard one. We've gone through some tough financial times, seen God both give and take away jobs. We struggled through a difficult pregnancy, with countless setbacks, and ultimately an end that came altogether too early for our Bailey. We were faced with the prospect of losing everything with Bailey, including the time to be able to hold her, make our short memories with her, kiss her, smell her and see what she would've looked like. In a moment we had found out that our daughter had passed away, and in the next moment we found out that the thing we then needed so badly was most likely not going to happen. Days later we found out how dangerous our delivery with her really was going to be, and I went home for a few hours to say my goodbyes to Melodie, my parents and siblings. We left our house with so many unknowns, and headed to the hospital to make them known. We had people praying for us around the clock and around the world. I'm so thankful for those sleepless nights for so many that kept us in prayer, because it helped deliver our miracle. Bailey was born perfectly whole and before her placenta making it possible for us to hold her, kiss her, smell her, see her face, take beautiful pictures and say our goodbyes. We were given the gift of seeing how much she looked like her big sister, and that her hair probably would've been red like Ryan's. And most of all, I got the gift of seeing a countenance that was at peace. It was the best gift of all, because in that moment I didn't see a face that reflected pain, anguish and struggle. I now can know that in a moment she was with me, and in the next she was with her Heavenly Father, and there was no gap. Bailey ALWAYS has known love, peace and joy, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. But then, days later, we had to bury that miracle. Like a seed in the ground that must first die, and then spring to life. We buried the hopes, dreams and joys we had for our daughter and must wait for spring to come. There is an irreplaceable ache in our hearts for her, that will never be healed, and a hole in our family that can never be filled. But we are waiting for spring. We're waiting for the new hopes, the new life and the new weather of life. I was reminded of that even more so this morning, when upon going to pick up Melodie from the nursery, she wasn't there. She wasn't in the lobby, she wasn't with any of our friends, the door to the parking lot was open and so many things went through my mind. Mainly, that she's the only one we've got, and now we might lose her too. My thought was, "Lord, you're going to take away Melodie from us too? What else is there for us to lose? What more do we have? What more can we give?" I was in a moment reminded of Job crying out and defending his plea to his friends, saying basically that he had lost everything, that he had nothing left to give, but that "My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend." (Job 16:20-21) Even though Job lost everything, he would not lose his faith. We won't either, but we wait oh so eagerly for Spring to come, for the winter months of our journey to come to a close. Intercess for us Jesus, plead with the Father on our behalf. Melodie was found a few minutes later running into the sanctuary. I was relieved and thankful to have her in my arms, and she patted my back and rubbed it saying, "oh, it's okay momma, it's okay". I'm thankful that it is, but I'll also be thankful for a weather change.

One of my favorite Easter sermons that I've heard was from Tony Campolo who years ago preached a message that "Friday's here, but Sunday's a comin'!!" We're ready for Sunday Lord. We're ready for the Spring.

Sisters

I've always loved having a large family. Recently, I've realized even more how nice it is to have my sisters and brothers. They have been a support to Ryan and me that I could never have imagined I'd need as much as we have. We had a number of scary moments throughout our pregnancy with Bailey. There were a few times where I'd called up my sister Carrie bawling, convinced that we were losing her. She prayed with me, talked to me, comforted me and assured me that if we indeed were losing Bailey that we'd get through it, but also she prayed with great love and passion that Bailey would be healed and healthy. All of my siblings did.

The day we found out that Bailey's heart had stopped beating, my sisters gathered together, picked up a special bracelet for me to hang on to and remember Bailey by and piled in the car to come to Milwaukee to be there for us that day. We had some horribly difficult decisions to make regarding Bailey's delivery, and they were there as a support and encouragement. They were there to get me to laugh that night. And they've all been there to process the "after-time" of losing and burying our daughter. They have been such a blessing, and I don't know where Ryan and I would be without them.

I was playing with Melodie yesterday morning, and remembered a "sister moment" that Melodie had shared with Bailey. It was shortly after I'd started to feel her move inside of me. Melodie wasn't feeling very well, and was sitting on my lap. I put on "Revelation Song" and turned up the volume. Melodie instantly calmed down, and began to sing the words that she knew of the song, and inside me I felt Bailey start to move. She was flipping all around. It was as if she was worshipping right along with us. I didn't realize it then, but God was giving us a picture of her personality. She was a worshipper from the womb. And now she gets to worship uninhibitted. In the fullness of God's glory she gets to worship the King. With no imperfect words, with no selfish thoughts our Bailey gets to let loose and worship God with all of her spirit. I'm so thankful for that picture. I'm so thankful that I know that both my girls love to worship, and someday Bailey will get to teach Ryan, Melodie and me what it's REALLY like to worship.

A few weeks ago Melodie had gotten up before me, and I went to spy on her through the keyhole in the door between our rooms, and in the midst of her playing with her lamb she stopped, exclaimed "Bailey...sister" and then fell into a heap on the ground sobbing. I was so taken by surprise, because there wasn't anyone around for her to be doing it for show. It was her own way of dealing with the death of the sister that she had loved, prayed for and was excited to share life with. It was after that, that I began talking to her about where Bailey was. Now if we ask Melodie "where's your sister?" or "where's Bailey?", she reaches her hand up in the sky, looks up, and declares, "Heaven!". Who's she with Melodie? "Jesus". And yesterday she informed me that she was "taking a nap in Heaven with Jesus". My response, "um, that's great, just don't you go taking any naps in Heaven with Jesus yet, okay?"

I so desperately desire to have a larger family. Ryan and I both are one of five kids, and love having a bigger family. It's hard to think of Melodie without siblings to share life with. We have no idea what the future will bring for us, but we keep praying that God has his way and that we'll be blessed with more children.