The wages of sin...

The other day Melodie came home from school and I asked her what she had learned about in school.  "Sin" she responded quickly.  She pulled a worksheet out of her backpack and showed me that they had been going through Genesis in her class and were talking about Cain and Abel.  She explained how Cain had offered his fruits and the harvest of his crops, while Abel had given meat, and that the meat was the good sacrifice, and the harvest crops weren't.  I was impressed by how well she seemed to grasp the story, she reminded me of some details that I'd forgotten, and we talked about it.  

After talking about the picture, I asked her what she thought sin meant.  And that's when she flipped over her worksheet and showed me the picture that she'd drawn.  Now, she colors the back of EVERY worksheet, mostly with hearts and doodles, but I looked at the picture and was blown away.

After asking her about the picture, here was Melodie's description:

"Well, Mom, it's a picture of the crucifixion.  That HAD to happen because of sin, Mom.  The middle guy is Jesus, and he's being crucified between the two thieves.  That guy (on the left) is smiling because Jesus told him that he'd get to go to Heaven with him because he asked for forgiveness, but the other guy is frowning because he's dying.  Did you know, Mom, that the Bible says that the WHOLE world turned dark because of Jesus on the cross?  The whole thing...that's why I colored the background black, because it was SO dark."

Thank you Jesus.  Thank you for dying on a cross for me, for enduring the awful pain and anguish for me.  Thank you for suffering, for forgiving, even when you were dying, and for giving us a hope and peace, that amidst great darkness we can hope in you because of what you did on Calvary.  Thank you for conquering death and sin. Thank you, that one day, every knee will bow, every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.  You are a mighty King.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for taking my place Jesus.  Thank you for showing yourself to Melodie and having her "get" what you did.   Thank you for what you're doing in my family right now, it's awesome and refreshing.  You are awesome and mighty, so mighty to save.  I love you Jesus.

The Elephant in the House

Please allow me to begin this story with a small disclaimer.  I have not suffered the most.  I am not perfected in my faith.  And in no way do I think that I have arrived.  My issue with feeling any of these things is that I love a loving God, who always gently reminds me when I think that I have suffered the most, am perfected in my faith, or that I have somehow arrived in the completeness of my faith that I have not, I am not, and no, I'm not home yet.  But praise be to God, He's not through with me yet.

I work in labor and delivery as a nurse for a busy-ish hospital in Milwaukee.  I take care of women and families going through some of their most triumphant and jubilant days, and also through some of their worst days.  I, like anyone who works in labor and delivery, have the hair bristle on the back of my neck when I get the all-too-common comment of "oh, you must have the best job in the world.  People must be so happy", because as us "insiders" know all-too-well, that while there is a great deal of joy in my department, there is also, always looming, inexpressible sadness and grief.

I come from a family who has known their "share" of perinatal grief.  My eldest sister lost her eldest child at 26 weeks, due to congenital anomalies that weren't compatible with life.  It was a "random" thing, and should not happen again.  I have a middle sister who has lost two boys to premature rupture of membranes and spontaneous delivery shortly thereafter.  Both caused by a strange bacteria in her bloodstream that "never should have been there".  And while she was told that it should never happen again, there are two boys that she has to wait and meet again when she gets to Heaven, instead of just the one.  I lost my daughter at 21 weeks, shortly after she was diagnosed with a hypo-plastic left heart.  And while it wasn't a genetic problem, Ryan and I know that we're not spared from more grief with our pregnancies or children.

Two weeks ago we found out that we were pregnant.  Truly, it was a jubilant day for us.  A day of rejoicing, and a day of disbelief.  We could not believe that after only 6 months of trying we were going to be blessed with another kiddo.  Number 3, well 4, or however you're supposed to number your kids on those trendy "pregnancy announcement" pictures.  We told our eldest daughter that we were pregnant, and gave her a teddy bear named Barnabas to hang onto until her sibling arrived.  The teddy bear was to be a reminder for her to pray for her sibling, and then when they came safely, she'd get to give the prayer bear to them and they'd get to keep it.  Melodie was excited.  She squeezed that bear tight, and for three days, Barnabas took prime location in Melodie's bed, sleeping next to her and getting squeezed at night as she slept.  I, also, had decided to be "different" during this pregnancy.  The last three had been full of stress, bleeding, bed rest, worry, but also trust that God was in control.  This time, I decided to be joyful.  I prayed that the Lord would give me the strength to remain joyful throughout the pregnancy, and to again surrender to His will.  "This pregnancy is a gift." I'd thought, "and I'm just going to enjoy it".

So color me confused and dismayed when three days after we'd found out about our youngest little one, I started bleeding at work.  Sitting at work, seeing the blood I was shocked.  "Lord, really?  Really, is this how it's going to be?  I'm so confused, because I thought that you'd wanted me to be joyful and unstressed...but how can I now?  What is going on?"  And honestly, I was ticked.  I was angry that after having surrendered myself to rejoice, finally, in pregnancy, things were going like this from the start.  A few days later, blood work showed what Ryan and I had feared.  There'd be no little sibling for Melodie and Cy coming home before Christmas.  We'd miscarried over the weekend, and somewhere between our house and work, I'd delivered our little one in a toilet, only to be flushed down with the blood and refuse.  How often do people feel like that, I wonder?  Is everyone as bothered by the not knowing when and where their baby delivers if it happens so early on?  I mean, a human life is gone, and there's no ceremony, no recognition.  Just a check mark under the "A" column of a woman's G-FPAL numbers (G-Gravida/How many pregnancies, F-full-term, P-pre-term, A-abortions/miscarriages, L-Living children).  It bothers me, and I'm so sorry Little One.  You're worth more than a toilet burial.  You're life is more significant than a blip on the radar.  You're still my precious little one, even though I never got to meet you.  I love you Baby.  And I can't wait to meet you.

I said before that I have not suffered the most.  I have not.  I see people's prenatals all the time.  I know their G's and P's.  I know that many have lost more, had harder losses than ours, and many that have none.  I'm not lost on that fact, not ignorant of it.  I've taken care of a friend who a few days shy of her due date went in for a routine visit at her OB-GYN and no heartbeat was found.  I was there as her son delivered.  I've taken care of a women who'd had to be induced at pre-viability and held her daughter as she passed away quietly in her arms, and was there again giving chest compressions to her son a year later in hopes of saving his life, only to watch him open his eyes once, as if to say goodbye to his mother.  I watched hours later as he died in her arms.  I've watched beautiful children born, so tangled in their umbilical cords that it choked off the life within them, and then watched others born, even more tangled in theirs and cry brilliantly and loudly moments after delivery.  I've been in the room when a mother hears that there is no heartbeat left in that little soul nestled within their womb, and I've been there to find a heartbeat on a baby that hasn't moved in what has seemed like an eternity for a family.  I've seen miracles, and I've seen horror, and no I don't get it, but I have certainly not suffered the most.

After receiving the news that we officially were no longer pregnant, we told Melodie what had happened.  The next day, as I was tucking her in, she was able to verbalize the elephant in our house.

Melodie: "Mom, I need to talk to you about something.  I'm upset about what happened with the baby."
Me:  "So are we kiddo"
Melodie: "And frankly, I don't think that it's very fair that it had to happen to us again."
Me:  "I know honey"
Melodie: (crossing her arms across her chest)  "And honestly, I really don't get the point of it.  What was the point?  It doesn't make any cense to me."  (then looking at me to have some brilliant response that would make sense of it)
Me: "Me either Melodie.  But you know, this is a really good time to talk to God about how you're feeling, because he really wants to hear how you feel."
Melodie: "I don't really want to talk to God about it, because I'm mad"
Me: You know kiddo, lot's of people feel like that.  But that's when it's most important to talk to God, because he already knows that you're mad.  And it's okay to be mad.  It's okay to be upset, and it's even okay to be mad at God if you are.  But talk to Him about it, because he just wants to come close, to be with you, and bring you comfort.  That's His job, and he likes doing it."
Melodie: "Well, maybe I'll talk to him about it tomorrow, but right now I'm too mad."

You know, I'm so thankful for my five year old.  I'm so thankful for her honesty, because how many of us feel exactly the same way, but can't verbalize it because we're afraid of offending God, or afraid that we'll be seen as having some "lesser faith", or we're actually afraid of what God's response, or non-response will be.  I'm so thankful for being able to have this conversation with her now, with REAL issues, instead of 20 years from now and her having to go through her young years not knowing that we have a God who is close to the broken-hearted, and anxious to spend time with us.  It took me 20+ years to come to the realization that we can "have it out" with God, and that he won't change his character.  It doesn't change his love for us, and that he will always back himself up.  Real relationship with the creator of the universe I think is deepened by trial.  I'm thankful that my five year old knows that.  I'm thankful that God desires relationship with her, and is close to the brokenhearted.  I'm thankful that God knows when we're mad, and that it doesn't bother him.  He still draws close, hears our hearts and heals us.  Thank you Lord, that you're not done with me yet.  Thank you Lord for these moments of tenderness with my kids, and thank you Lord, that you have a plan for our lives.  I don't get it.  It doesn't make sense now to me, but I know that you get it, so thank you Lord.

Two Week Resolutions

I've been challenged lately to do something different.  I've had a stirring in my heart for a little over a year now for "more".  And the more I tried to figure out what the "more" was, the fatter I became.  Not just physically, but spiritually, financially and emotionally.  Monday marked the year anniversary of my cousin's death after reaching the summit on Mt. Fuji.  He'd fallen on the way down the mountain and his body was covered from a snow storm that moved in shortly after.  And although his body went missing, he never was.  We knew where Matt was the moment his spirit left his body, and although indescribably tragic, the experience brought several thousand people to witness what real faith and a real relationship with Jesus looks like.  When gathering his things from his hotel room, they noticed that Matt's Bible was lying open.  I've asked myself countless times since then, "would they find my Bible open, if I went home to be with Jesus right now?"  And the answer, sadly, has been no.

It's time for a change, it's time to be vigilant.  It's time to take action.  My cousin was 33 years old when he passed away.  I am 30.  We're not guaranteed tomorrow.  We're not guaranteed a safe drive home from picking the kids up from school.  But we are guaranteed everlasting life with Jesus when we die, if we have a real relationship with him.  I want that relationship to be the "more".  And I want it to shine brightly, so that there is no question in anyone's mind what I'm living for, and therein lies Ryan and my's attempt at two-week resolutions in 2013.  We have become fat.  We want to become lean, and become true temples of the living God.  And we're going to do it.  We're not perfect, we never will be, but we can become increasingly transformed into the people the God made us to be, and that's what we're going to do.

Why two weeks?  Truthfully, because I fail a whole lot.  If I were to make a year's worth of a resolution and then fall off track two days later, I'd become discouraged, grab a bag of oreos and be done for the year, carrying with me the guilt of not having accomplished my goals.  A year, for me, leads to self-loathing and destruction.  Two weeks, now that's doable.  Ryan and I can do anything for two weeks, and if we don't?  Then we can just endeavor to try again the next two weeks.  After having a long, introspective conversation together, we've realized that if God called us home right now, we would NOT be the people that we've been called to be.  And that is sad, but encouraging to us.  We've got more to do.  We have time left to start trimming the fat.  God isn't done with us yet, and He's not done with you either.  We still have air in our lungs, and so do you.  But we're not guaranteed tomorrow, so let's start trimming the fat today.

Ryan and I developed our four "lys", or four areas for us to focus on this year: Spiritually, Physically, Family, Financially.  Every Sunday night at dinner, or plans are to go over how we're doing on our four "lys", or review how we've done on our two week goals, and make goals for the next two weeks.  Our first two weeks of January were spent "thinking" about what the next two weeks worth of goals were.  That's EASY!  Anyone can do that!  You can even show up to dinner and develop your goals for the next two weeks and BAM!  You've accomplished your first two weeks of goals, AND you're working toward trimming the fat.  These two weeks we've developed spiritual goals, both for ourselves and Melodie added hers in too.

SPIRITUALLY:
Ryan's were: Read my Bible everyday.
Spend time in prayer everyday, and
fast junk food and soda one day a week.

Mine were: Read Ephesians everyday,
spend 15 minutes praying in tongues everyday,
 fast one day a week.

Melodie's were: Love God,
do church at home if we miss Sunday morning (I work nights, so sometime it's hard to get to service Sunday morning),
 no bad attitudes,
Pray for Lucy and Christian (classmates who have been sick)

Family: Talk about Ephesians
Have one family prayer meeting

PHYSICALLY:
RYAN: Lose 10 pounds
Work out 12 of 14 days

BECKY: Lose 5 pounds
Walk 45minutes to 1 hour a day 12 of 14 days until my wrist heals

FAMILY:
Try 1 new recipe from Vegan Italiano

FOOD:
Eat Vegan 5 days a week
Cut back on junk food and desserts

FAMILY:
Make dinner plans with our friends the Bluhms (YEAH!  Plans are made and we're looking forward to it)
Pray for:
FAMILY (A family in our family): Gabe, Ana, Ari and Madeline
RELATIVE (extended): Jerry Johnson's family
FRIENDS: Bluhms
NEIGHBORS: Our neighbors to the right of us...yeah, we don't even know their last name!

FAMILY ACTIVITY:
Geocaching night - Time: TBD

HOUSE PROJECTS:
Ryan: clean and organize the office
Becky: clean and organize the storage room

NEXT FAMILY MEETING:
1/27/13 Sunday dinner

FINANCIALLY:
Ryan: Do not eat out at all these two weeks
Becky: Do not eat out while at work
Don't ask for flexes from work

Family: No hot lunch for Melo

Budget:
Develop the budget with goals that are measureable for the next two weeks and year.

There is our starting point, and I'm excited.  Be encouraged friends.  God's not done with you yet, there's time to start becoming, or become increasingly transformed into who He's made you to be.  Anyone want to join us?