24 weeks

I realized today that I should've been 24 weeks pregnant with Bailey today. It most likely would've been my last night at work until I delivered our peanut because of the placenta being where it was, and I'm sure it would've been a bittersweet moment for me. The anticipation of waiting to meet her, coupled with the fear of losing her. Today would've marked the "point of viability", and I told myself that today would be the day when I'd start dealing with what we expected to be the reality of me having another major abdominal surgery. I had hoped to start working more fervently on Bailey's blanket today, so that I'd have something to do while I was at home on bed rest, and so Bailey would have a blanket when she was born. Today would've been the day where Ryan and I anxiously waited on the Lord to provide for our finances throughout the rest of our pregnancy and recovery, and instead I look on the site for the Ella Bullis Foundation and marvel when I see how the Lord is providing for Bailey's burial and headstone costs from both strangers and friends. Today I was driving home from Michigan and had a flutter in my stomach and instantly caught myself feeling my belly and trying to "touch" Bailey as she kicked, only to realize all to quickly that it was just a gas bubble. I can't believe the difference 3 weeks makes. We found out that Bailey had passed away three weeks ago today, and 3 weeks later, Bailey would've been "viable". I miss her a lot, and so badly want to sit in a rocker with her and just rock.

I miss you Bailey, and I so very much look forward to meeting you someday.

Ella Bullis Foundation

I had shared previously that a foundation had come alongside of us to help offset the costs for the funeral costs and headstone for Bailey. The Ella Bullis Foundation recently posted our story and has now made it available for anyone to view via their website: http://www.ellabullis.org/, under "The Young Family". There was an original deadline attached to the "case" of February 20, but that was extended to March 1st as there were some problems uploading our story in their system. We are so blessed that this has happened, as I've been unable to work much of the last three months and we wanted to get the right headstone for Bailey's spot.

Bailey's Funeral

It already seems like an eternity ago that we had Bailey's memorial service, but it was only last Monday. We had expected it to be a small service with just our immediate family and a couple of close friends, but when we pulled up to the cemetery office we were overwhelmed. There was such a line-up of cars already parked, and people crammed into the cemetery office waiting to celebrate and remember Bailey's short time on earth with us. Ryan and I looked at each other in amazement and all I could say was that I had only expected "like five cars".

Pastor Dave, the head pastor from our church, did a wonderful job with the service. We had met with him the day before the funeral and asked him to keep things short, simple, and to please share from Psalm 139, as that has been a passage which has gotten us through our entire pregnancy and delivery with Bailey. He shared with us that after having prayed about it before meeting with us, that God had given him the very same passage and verses to read and share from. It was a great "Holy Spirit" moment for the three of us. Again, what a great God would serve. One of the special things that Pastor Dave had shared at the service was that he had prayed that not only would Bailey's cousins; Grace, James and Hudson get to meet, hold and play with Bailey, but he had asked that God would bring his son Gregory to meet Bailey and hold her as well. Gregory had passed away unexpectedly when he was 10 years old, and it was such a special thing to Ryan and me that Pastor Dave would ask that his son would be a part of Bailey's life.

This is my favorite picture from the memorial service (minus my glove...which I wish I would've remembered to take off!). I love our three expressions. I feel like it really shows not only the emotion of the day, but also a portion of the abundance of people at Bailey's service. I also love seeing the people in the background. It's a great reminder of how loved and supported we've been throughout this entire journey.

This is one of my favorite pictures that I have of my brother-in-law Mike.

The casket spray turned out great as well. The "jewels" were actually from my wedding bouquet, and the ribbon is the same one that was on Bailey's blanket from my mom and the bow that she put together for the croucheted blanket I had made for her. It was the perfect size, and was both funky and yet simple enough to represent exactly how I picture Bailey. Although we only got to meet her during ultrasounds, I know that she had spunk. She always was active, except for the last time we saw her alive. It was during those glimpses of her, that she was more subdued. I didn't understand at the time, but know now that it was because she was on her way to go meet the Father. But I also feel so very fortunate for the time I got to hold her in the hospital. Because of my amazing nurses at the hospital, I was able to hold Bailey within the minute after she was born. They placed her in my arms, and I got to see her face. She looked so "at peace". I've seen other babies who have passed away before they were born, and they don't always have that expression of peace on their face. Sometimes you can tell that it was a struggle for them until the end, but with Bailey I know because of that time I was able to spend with her that she truly went peacefully and is now in peace for eternity in the Kingdom. It was truly a gift from the Lord to be able to see her that morning, and I can't wait to see her again.

I posted Bailey's video on youtube yesterday, and when I clicked on the link today found out that it has already been viewed 36 times. I'm completely overwhelmed. I've been overwhelmed by all of the responses from people on facebook, and to now see how many more people have already seen it on youtube is incredible to me. I've had a number of people come up to me and thank me for making the video, for sharing it, sharing with me their own stories of loss and heartache, telling me that Bailey's video brought healing to them over losses in their family, etc. And again, I'm overwhelmed. We made that video as a way to share Bailey's short life with those around us, but have found that it has become so much "bigger" than we ever expected. As a parent, you always want to share your kid's accomplishments and stories with the people you know, but to have Bailey's testimony actually minister to people already is an incredible gift. Thank you so much for watching her video. Thank you for commenting on facebook and this blog. Thank you for sharing it with your family and friends. Thank you for sharing your lives with us, as we've opened ours to share with you. It means so much to know that Bailey is not forgotten, to know that what happened was not a mistake, and to know that we still have a Father who orchestrates this great symphony of our lives in such a way that all of our instruments interweave to create the greatest song ever. Thank you for sharing your portion of the symphony with us, and allowing us to share ours with you.

Bailey's Memorial video

I've tried to post Bailey's video several times, but had too many complications with loading onto blogger. I finally uploaded it to youtube instead so that I could post the link here. I hope you enjoy it.

Memorial Service

We met with the funeral home and cemetery today to arrange for Bailey's funeral arrangements. Borgwardt Funeral home has been fantastic through all of this. I called earlier on in the week, before we went in to the hospital, and they arranged everything for Bailey's "transfer of care", and have been great about giving "updates" etc. We also met with the cemetery today, and got to see Bailey's plot. It was a little odd driving up to see two guys digging around in a foot and a half of snow looking for it's location, but at least it gave Ryan and me a good laugh. The "tink, tink, tink" of their shovels on the grave markers to find the right spot and then the holler over to us with a thumbs up saying, "yeah, this is it!" for some reason made us giggle. It was all a bit surreal, but it's been nice to have moments where we've been able to smile and laugh about things as well.

We're planning on having a short graveside service on Monday at 1pm at Pinelawn Cemetery. It's on 107th and Capital, and we'll be meeting at the office building off of 107th, and then driving to the gravesite together. Our pastor, Dave Price, will be doing Bailey's service for us. It's been such a blessing to have him, as well as Phil Bowen and our entire church, family, and friends surround us with love and prayer during this season.

After the graveside service, we're having a casual "reception" for lack of a better word/term, at our house for anyone who would like to come by and say hello, see pictures, or just to be a support for us at that time. We're planning on that starting around 2:30pm at our house.

Thank you so much for everyone's love and support once again. We can feel that we've been uplifted continually in prayer. We are also so very thankful for the Ellabullis Foundation that is helping offset some of our funeral and burial costs for Bailey. I'll post more information about them later, when I'm able to get the proper link working.

Bailey's stuff

I thought that I'd post some pictures of "Bailey's Stuff":

After my mom heard that Bailey had passed away, she went out to the fabric store and got fleece to make Bailey a warm and cozy blanket.

She also went and got a warm and cozy out for Bailey to be buried in. I love the outfit, and it makes me happy that she'll have something nice and warm to wear.

The lamb is from my sister-in-law's mom, who sent it to us early on in the pregnancy. We had some bleeding early on, and the second time it happened I was home alone with Melodie. I was convinced we were losing Bailey, and was having a really hard time with it. Not an hour later, the mail arrived and inside was this little lamb. It was a perfect gift, to remind me that God had heard my cries and was sending comfort. How neat to have it now, and remember that God's timing is always perfect, even when He doesn't make sense.

The rest of the pictures are cards from my nieces. My sisters came into town on Saturday after hearing our news, and the kids sent along their love and support with cards. I LOVE all of the personality that went into these cards. They made all of us laugh and smile, and I know it'll be one of the memories from that day that I remember best.

This card is from Lizzie. I LOVE all of the creativeness she poured into it! I can't believe how much talent she has. I especially love the heart with a flower on the inside of the card.

This card is from Ellie, and it made me smile. It's so very much Ellie. The inside also had, "I love you ant BECK!!!!" in huge letters.

This card is from Sydney. The picture is of Bailey with pigtails. Also take note of Bailey's heart. My sister said she looked over when Sydney was coloring the card and all of the sudden she started making a ton of dots on the heart. When asked why, Sydney replied, "Oh. Those are the holes in Bailey's heart, mom". :) I think it's adorable.

And finally this card is from Raleigh. Notice the flower made from "hearts", and also the picture at the bottom, which I originally mistook for Ryan, Bailey, Me and Melodie. My sister did too, until she was corrected by Raleigh who told her that it was Grace, James and Hudson in Heaven holding Baby Bailey. :) James' 5th birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and Raleigh also explained to my sister that since he was 5, he'd probably get to hold Bailey in Heaven. This is one of my favorite pictures to hang on to.

I love the perspective that my nieces have of Heaven after having lost their brothers and sister. And I love that in this picture all four kids have big smiles, even Bailey. I know that my daughter is now whole, in perfection, and with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I know that nothing can compare to the awesomeness of the Kingdom of God, and being able to live with the Father in the fullness of his splendor. I miss Bailey because of how much I had loved her. How many dreams I'd had for her, and how badly I wanted to just hold her in my arms, comfort her, and tell her that I love her and I'm proud of her. I didn't get to do that while she was with us, but I'm beginning to realize that it's okay. She's with Jesus now, and knows and experiences the fullness of love moment by moment. Someday I'll get to hold her. Someday I'll get to tell her the things I've been aching to say. That day is not today, but it will come. I will see her again, and I'll realize how much heartache I had for my girl who got to grow up in perfection. How neat it is to have a niece who could draw a picture of Bailey smiling with her cousins, just hours after finding out that she had passed away.

Romans 8:38-39 say:

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord".

Induced

I'm being induced today at Froedtert/Children's hospital. Although we would've liked to have gotten things going a little sooner, the specialist needed to be able to be available for the entire induction in case I should start bleeding heavily. The extra time has given us the chance to arrange with the funeral home and cemetery, and also to begin to make plans for having a get together at our house after the burial on Monday. Once Bailey is born, we'll have time to finalize all of our plans and pass along the information to everyone. Thank you for everyone's support during this difficult time. We've been blessed with peace, wisdom and strength from the Father, and continue to covet your prayers for us.

Bailey Young

We found out this morning that our little one went home to be with Jesus. I hadn't felt her move much Friday during the day or at work, and after having a couple of co-workers doppler me for heart tones I asked the residents to take a look. A couple of ultrasounds later they confirmed what I had feared, that our little Bailey was gone. It's hard to explain the ache I have to hold her and tell her how much I love her, what joy she has brought me, and that I'm proud of her fight. Perhaps that's what woke me up the other morning and inspired the previous blog post. Perhaps it was again God's grace over us, giving me that time to express those things that I now wish I had time to tell her.

My sisters and mom came into town, and they've been a huge help. As well as talking with my brother and sister-in-law on the phone, and notes from friends, co-workers and family. It all seems a bit surreal. I haven't delivered Bailey yet. Her small frame is still nestled within me, until a final decision is made as to how best and most safely deliver her. I find myself putting my hands over my belly and subconsciously feeling for movement, when I realize that none will come. Or I feel a gas bubble and have an instant of relief, followed by the realization that it was just gas and not her.

On Monday, I'm due to be seen by a new OB doctor who specializes in delivering babies in this particular circumstance. That seems hard too, because I'll have to deliver with a different doctor, and in a different hospital than the one I work at. But, as with Bailey's life, this too is part of that tough road for us to walk down.

My sister's brought with them cards from my nieces that I'll post pictures of later. They made me smile and laugh quite a bit. Apparently all of the nieces and nephews were bummed about not being able to come to Milwaukee today, which has made me smile.

Thanks for your prayers for our little Bailey while she was still with us. Please keep praying for us. For a healthy delivery for me, and a safe delivery for her. Please also pray for peace, wisdom, comfort and strength for us as we walk through this time.

Personality

I was reading Psalm 139 earlier on today, and was reminded once again that God has our daughter in his hands. The whole Psalm seemed to resonate with me, but especially verses 12-16:

¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.

¹³For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

I woke up tonight thinking about our little one, and I realized how much I've grown to love her over the course of this pregnancy. In the beginning, it was really hard to attach myself to her because of all of the bleeding I had done. At around 11 weeks I had significant bleeding and though that we were losing her. I went in to the doctor, who did an ultrasound and found a little peanut flailing her arms and legs and moving all around. I was shocked that she was still with us, but also surprised at how active she already was. A week later we had another episode of even more bleeding. Another ultrasound revealed a spunky little kiddo moving all around as if to reassure me that she was okay. Even then I began to connect with her someone, but I also tried to guard my heart, knowing that we could lose her and how hard it would be to grieve the loss of a child. We had another ultrasound around then with the perinatologist, and I remember leaving the appointment feeling wiped out from seeing her again. Again, she was moving all around and being spunky. They had found the reason for the bleeding, and it looked as though she was going to be fine, and I think that it took me a bit to realize that we may actually get to meet our baby this side of Heaven.

I don't think that it was until around the 16 week ultrasound that I let my guard down, and let my heart fully embrace our little one. We found out that we were having a girl, which shocked us. We found out that as of then the placenta was completely over my cervix, and while it could move, if it didn't I'd have to have a c-section. And we found out that our little spitfire had a two vessel cord. At the time everything had looked alright with her kidneys and heart, and we were okayed to go on our trip as long as I continued to take it easy. I knew we could deal with a c-section, although bummed about having to have surgery. I knew that we'd have to keep praying for protection for our kiddo with her funky cord, but all of that seemed within the realm of "okay", and that we could deal with it. We had a wonderful time in Hawai'i visiting Ryan's brother and his family, and came home very rested and refreshed. I know now, that was part of God's grace on us to have a time of refueling and respite before the storm that was to come.

Last Friday we had another ultrasound with the perinatologist to check on her heart and kidneys (because of her two vessel cord). Again I saw our spunky daughter, and I realized how "connected" with her I was. The perinatologist needed to get a good look at her heart, and she'd move into just the spot for him to see, and then flip her arm in front of her chest. Then he'd move around, get another angle, be about ready to start his measurements, etc, and she move her arm again. Finally, after it happened a number of times, he looked at my belly and said, "it's okay little one, I'm patient". Finally, she threw her arms up in defeat, just as if she'd heard him. Now, I understand that she didn't hear him, and that she didn't understand what he had said. But at the same time, I think it was God revealing her personality to me even more. Not only is our daughter full of energy, but she's a good-natured fighter too. I was reminded tonight of how many times I'd been injured or sick, and had not wanted to tell my parents because I knew I'd be okay, and didn't want them to worry. It was as if in that moment, our little one was doing the same thing. Covering up her chest, to try and protect us from the heartache that was going to come. I know it's a lot to read into an ultrasound. I understand that with my head, but I also know that as hard as these ultrasounds have been (since they find something new EVERY time), they've also been a wonderful blessing for us to get to know our daughter.

On Monday, when the scan started and her heartbeat was in the 60's for what seemed like an eternity, I realized how much I love our daughter. My heart aches to hold her, and sing over her, and let her know how proud of her I am already and how much joy she has given me just simply by being the girl God has created her to be. I love her personality. I love her spunkiness. And I love her heart. I remember a sermon series from a long time ago called, "God don't make junk". And he doesn't. Our daughter's heart wasn't hidden from God when she "was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth". My prayer and hope is that God would do a creative miracle in her heart and make it whole. That all of it's parts would form as they should, beat as they should, work as they should. And that's what we're praying for. God can do it, and as much love as Ryan and I have for our daughter, he knows her and loves her so much more. He's her creator, her savior, her Father and her strength, and He's got a plan. In his book were written all of her days before one of them came to pass. My prayer is that there would be many days and years for her written in His book. That he'd sustain her with a long and healthy life. And just as we pray for Melodie every night that she'd know Him all the days of her life, and that she'd make Him known to everyone she meets.

I love you little one. Keep growing. Be safe. Get strong. You've got people praying for you from Milwaukee to India. You're loved. You're wanted. And you're a blessing.

Baby Update

We've had a pretty rough pregnancy so far with this little one, and instead of calling everyone with all the updates everytime, my sister suggested that posting it on the blog would be a much easier way to let people know what's going on, and less stressful too.

Last friday we had an appointment with the perinatologist for a follow-up to our 16 week appointment where we'd found out that 1) we were having another girl, 2) the placenta was directly over my cervix and 3) the kiddo had a two vessel cord. At the time of the 16 week ultrasound I was still off of work and "taking it easy" from the earlier bleeding episodes/subchorionic hematoma that we'd had around 12 weeks.

I had prepared myself to hear that the placenta hadn't moved, and that I'd most likely need to have a c-section for delivery due to it's location. But I hadn't prepared myself to hear that anything else was going on with the pregnancy. Initially we found out that indeed the placenta had decided not to move, and that it was his impression that because of it's location, etc it most likely wouldn't move and I'd need to have a c-section. He then checked out our baby's heart and found out that there were some issues that he couldn't quite diagnose, but were concerning enough for us to go see a pediatric cardiologist early next week at Children's Hospital. I spent the weekend in fear of what the heart problems could mean, whether they were terminal or "compatible with life", and simply not knowing what to expect. I set myself up to hear that she had some heart problems, but didn't really believe that she would.

Monday morning we had our appointment with the pediatric cardiologist. The ultrasound/echo started off, and I was surprised to see how slow the heart looked, as our baby had been moving all night before the appointment. It wasn't until the cardiologist asked me if our baby's heart had always been at a normal rate when they checked it, that I realized it truly was in the 60's from the start of the scan. She wasn't moving, and all I could do was watch in disbelief and shock that it continued to not increase. A normal heartbeat being between 120 and 160's-ish. I started to cry and looked at the cardiologist and said, "if she was viable, you'd be doing something to get her out". She just looked at me and responded that she knew but I was only 20 weeks. She stopped the ultrasound, gave us a minute, and I feared what it all meant. She offered to finish the scan of the heart before sending me to the hospital, and when she restarted the echo our baby had flipped and her heartbeat was back in the 150's. The did find a defect in her heart that the cardiologist said was best described as "Double Outlet Right Ventricle", and in our baby means that there is a large enough septal defect between the ventricles that she could be fine in utero, but would need surgery to fix it after she's born. It could also mean other problems like a possible coarctation of the aorta and a chromosomal anomaly as well, but they wouldn't be sure until the baby developed more, and subsequently after she was born and we could take some blood to check (we declined an amneo, as it wouldn't help the baby out, and would just add more risk to an already risky pregnancy).

The cardiologist got me in to see the perinatologist later that day so he could rescan and see if there was anything that would have caused the deceleration in her heartbeat, and much to my surprise, for the first time this pregnancy, we had good news from an ultrasound. The baby didn't seem to have suffered any problems from the decel, and was even practicing breathing movements, which at 20 weeks was an uncommonly good sign.

For now our plans are to follow-up withe perinatologist in 2 weeks for another ultrasound, and then we see the pediatric cardiologist in four weeks for another echo. As for Ryan and I, we're taking it day-by-day, and relying on God's strength and peace to get us through all of this.

We're praying for a creative miracle in our daughter's heart, that the septal defect would be closed, and that blood would flow through the heart, arteries and veins the way it was designed to. If that doesn't happen, then we're asking for God to give her a "fixable heart", and guidance for those surgeons down the road. We're praying for protection of her umbilical cord, and it's two vessels. Strength for her body, soul and spirit. And protection from pre-term labor, cervical dilation or bleeding from the placenta previa. More simply we're also praying for rest and peace for us both. That God would uphold us through this time, and bind our family together stronger. And that he'd give Melodie protection, strength and peace in dealing with a difficult to understand time in her life. We covet your prayers, and know that God is a good God. That he's a righteous God, and that he will have His way. We know that He has formed this little one, knows her completely and he has a plan for her.