Melodie's 2!

On Friday Melodie turned two! (Granted, we're working on having her raise two fingers instead of just one as she INSISTS that she's right, and we're wrong...) I worked the night before, so she spent the day with Uncle Mike, and then we went out to eat at Fudruckers. She opened presents: a hippo, playdough, some books and bubbles, and then we had our burgers as she ate a hotdog. We had a great time, and I was so excited to see her excited about the presents. On Saturday Ryan took her to the zoo to attend her first zoo class. Apparently she had a bit of a problem listening, staying sitting, and didn't want to give the toy birdie or the glue stick back. But when I asked her about it, she nearly toppled me over with her excited jabber, flapping her arms, running in circles while exclaiming, "BIRDIES, FLY, CARDINALS, I HOLD IT!!!, BIRDIES, FLY, CARDINALS!!! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD IT!!!" My little girl is back! It's been a little over two months since I've seen her so unabashedly excited and joyful about something. It seems like she's starting to be more and more like herself again, and I'm so thankful. Thank you spring for coming into our lives. Thank you Jesus for giving us hope.

Melodie, we love you and cherish every moment we have with you. You are a blessing, and have been since we found out that we were pregnant with you. We pray that you'll know Jesus all the days of your life, and that you'll make Him known to everyone you meet. May your days be many, plentiful, and full of joy, blessing and love. You're a wonderful sister, and we hope that soon you'll be able to experience that blessing on earth as you will in Heaven someday. We love you so very much, you really are our Melodie Joy.

Jesus...thank you for...

Every night before Melodie goes to be we pray with her. This has been every night since she was born until now. And now Melodie is at an age where she'll pray with us. Usually it goes a little something like:

us: "Lord"

MJ: "Lord"

us: "Thank you for"

MJ: "Tank you for:

us: "Mommy and Daddy"

MJ: "Mommy, Daddy"

etc, until we're done thanking God for the things in our lives, and praying for ours and other's needs. Well, last Thursday Melodie called an audible. We were praying like usual, and it went a little something like this:

us: "Lord"

MJ: "Lord, tank you forrrrrr......"

us: "oh, Melodie, what are you thankful for?"

MJ: "Pizzzzzzzzzzza!"

me: (hiding my face and giggling)

Ryan: "that's a great thing to be thankful for. What else are you thankful for?"

MJ: (pointing to Ryan's Brewers hat) "my hat! Jesus' name, AMEN!"

me: "well what about Daddy and Mommy?"

MJ: "um, Uh Mike, Auntie 'Ne....Jesus' name, AMEN!"

Apparently, we were left out, but that's alright. It made me smile all weekend thinking about it. That's right, with all of the worry, etc that we've had, it's great to be thankful for pizza, hats, uncle mike and auntie 'Ne.

Ready for spring

I've always loved the spring time. One of the reasons is that when growing up, snow melting equaled that it was time for soccer to restart. Give me a patch of grass and a ball and I could be content for endless hours.

This year, I'm ready for spring more so than I have been in the past. I'm ready for the life that comes with spring. The rebirth of things that have "gone to sleep" for winter, and the hope and promise of new life that comes with the warmer weather and brighter days. This winter has been a hard one. We've gone through some tough financial times, seen God both give and take away jobs. We struggled through a difficult pregnancy, with countless setbacks, and ultimately an end that came altogether too early for our Bailey. We were faced with the prospect of losing everything with Bailey, including the time to be able to hold her, make our short memories with her, kiss her, smell her and see what she would've looked like. In a moment we had found out that our daughter had passed away, and in the next moment we found out that the thing we then needed so badly was most likely not going to happen. Days later we found out how dangerous our delivery with her really was going to be, and I went home for a few hours to say my goodbyes to Melodie, my parents and siblings. We left our house with so many unknowns, and headed to the hospital to make them known. We had people praying for us around the clock and around the world. I'm so thankful for those sleepless nights for so many that kept us in prayer, because it helped deliver our miracle. Bailey was born perfectly whole and before her placenta making it possible for us to hold her, kiss her, smell her, see her face, take beautiful pictures and say our goodbyes. We were given the gift of seeing how much she looked like her big sister, and that her hair probably would've been red like Ryan's. And most of all, I got the gift of seeing a countenance that was at peace. It was the best gift of all, because in that moment I didn't see a face that reflected pain, anguish and struggle. I now can know that in a moment she was with me, and in the next she was with her Heavenly Father, and there was no gap. Bailey ALWAYS has known love, peace and joy, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. But then, days later, we had to bury that miracle. Like a seed in the ground that must first die, and then spring to life. We buried the hopes, dreams and joys we had for our daughter and must wait for spring to come. There is an irreplaceable ache in our hearts for her, that will never be healed, and a hole in our family that can never be filled. But we are waiting for spring. We're waiting for the new hopes, the new life and the new weather of life. I was reminded of that even more so this morning, when upon going to pick up Melodie from the nursery, she wasn't there. She wasn't in the lobby, she wasn't with any of our friends, the door to the parking lot was open and so many things went through my mind. Mainly, that she's the only one we've got, and now we might lose her too. My thought was, "Lord, you're going to take away Melodie from us too? What else is there for us to lose? What more do we have? What more can we give?" I was in a moment reminded of Job crying out and defending his plea to his friends, saying basically that he had lost everything, that he had nothing left to give, but that "My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend." (Job 16:20-21) Even though Job lost everything, he would not lose his faith. We won't either, but we wait oh so eagerly for Spring to come, for the winter months of our journey to come to a close. Intercess for us Jesus, plead with the Father on our behalf. Melodie was found a few minutes later running into the sanctuary. I was relieved and thankful to have her in my arms, and she patted my back and rubbed it saying, "oh, it's okay momma, it's okay". I'm thankful that it is, but I'll also be thankful for a weather change.

One of my favorite Easter sermons that I've heard was from Tony Campolo who years ago preached a message that "Friday's here, but Sunday's a comin'!!" We're ready for Sunday Lord. We're ready for the Spring.

Sisters

I've always loved having a large family. Recently, I've realized even more how nice it is to have my sisters and brothers. They have been a support to Ryan and me that I could never have imagined I'd need as much as we have. We had a number of scary moments throughout our pregnancy with Bailey. There were a few times where I'd called up my sister Carrie bawling, convinced that we were losing her. She prayed with me, talked to me, comforted me and assured me that if we indeed were losing Bailey that we'd get through it, but also she prayed with great love and passion that Bailey would be healed and healthy. All of my siblings did.

The day we found out that Bailey's heart had stopped beating, my sisters gathered together, picked up a special bracelet for me to hang on to and remember Bailey by and piled in the car to come to Milwaukee to be there for us that day. We had some horribly difficult decisions to make regarding Bailey's delivery, and they were there as a support and encouragement. They were there to get me to laugh that night. And they've all been there to process the "after-time" of losing and burying our daughter. They have been such a blessing, and I don't know where Ryan and I would be without them.

I was playing with Melodie yesterday morning, and remembered a "sister moment" that Melodie had shared with Bailey. It was shortly after I'd started to feel her move inside of me. Melodie wasn't feeling very well, and was sitting on my lap. I put on "Revelation Song" and turned up the volume. Melodie instantly calmed down, and began to sing the words that she knew of the song, and inside me I felt Bailey start to move. She was flipping all around. It was as if she was worshipping right along with us. I didn't realize it then, but God was giving us a picture of her personality. She was a worshipper from the womb. And now she gets to worship uninhibitted. In the fullness of God's glory she gets to worship the King. With no imperfect words, with no selfish thoughts our Bailey gets to let loose and worship God with all of her spirit. I'm so thankful for that picture. I'm so thankful that I know that both my girls love to worship, and someday Bailey will get to teach Ryan, Melodie and me what it's REALLY like to worship.

A few weeks ago Melodie had gotten up before me, and I went to spy on her through the keyhole in the door between our rooms, and in the midst of her playing with her lamb she stopped, exclaimed "Bailey...sister" and then fell into a heap on the ground sobbing. I was so taken by surprise, because there wasn't anyone around for her to be doing it for show. It was her own way of dealing with the death of the sister that she had loved, prayed for and was excited to share life with. It was after that, that I began talking to her about where Bailey was. Now if we ask Melodie "where's your sister?" or "where's Bailey?", she reaches her hand up in the sky, looks up, and declares, "Heaven!". Who's she with Melodie? "Jesus". And yesterday she informed me that she was "taking a nap in Heaven with Jesus". My response, "um, that's great, just don't you go taking any naps in Heaven with Jesus yet, okay?"

I so desperately desire to have a larger family. Ryan and I both are one of five kids, and love having a bigger family. It's hard to think of Melodie without siblings to share life with. We have no idea what the future will bring for us, but we keep praying that God has his way and that we'll be blessed with more children.

24 weeks

I realized today that I should've been 24 weeks pregnant with Bailey today. It most likely would've been my last night at work until I delivered our peanut because of the placenta being where it was, and I'm sure it would've been a bittersweet moment for me. The anticipation of waiting to meet her, coupled with the fear of losing her. Today would've marked the "point of viability", and I told myself that today would be the day when I'd start dealing with what we expected to be the reality of me having another major abdominal surgery. I had hoped to start working more fervently on Bailey's blanket today, so that I'd have something to do while I was at home on bed rest, and so Bailey would have a blanket when she was born. Today would've been the day where Ryan and I anxiously waited on the Lord to provide for our finances throughout the rest of our pregnancy and recovery, and instead I look on the site for the Ella Bullis Foundation and marvel when I see how the Lord is providing for Bailey's burial and headstone costs from both strangers and friends. Today I was driving home from Michigan and had a flutter in my stomach and instantly caught myself feeling my belly and trying to "touch" Bailey as she kicked, only to realize all to quickly that it was just a gas bubble. I can't believe the difference 3 weeks makes. We found out that Bailey had passed away three weeks ago today, and 3 weeks later, Bailey would've been "viable". I miss her a lot, and so badly want to sit in a rocker with her and just rock.

I miss you Bailey, and I so very much look forward to meeting you someday.

Ella Bullis Foundation

I had shared previously that a foundation had come alongside of us to help offset the costs for the funeral costs and headstone for Bailey. The Ella Bullis Foundation recently posted our story and has now made it available for anyone to view via their website: http://www.ellabullis.org/, under "The Young Family". There was an original deadline attached to the "case" of February 20, but that was extended to March 1st as there were some problems uploading our story in their system. We are so blessed that this has happened, as I've been unable to work much of the last three months and we wanted to get the right headstone for Bailey's spot.

Bailey's Funeral

It already seems like an eternity ago that we had Bailey's memorial service, but it was only last Monday. We had expected it to be a small service with just our immediate family and a couple of close friends, but when we pulled up to the cemetery office we were overwhelmed. There was such a line-up of cars already parked, and people crammed into the cemetery office waiting to celebrate and remember Bailey's short time on earth with us. Ryan and I looked at each other in amazement and all I could say was that I had only expected "like five cars".

Pastor Dave, the head pastor from our church, did a wonderful job with the service. We had met with him the day before the funeral and asked him to keep things short, simple, and to please share from Psalm 139, as that has been a passage which has gotten us through our entire pregnancy and delivery with Bailey. He shared with us that after having prayed about it before meeting with us, that God had given him the very same passage and verses to read and share from. It was a great "Holy Spirit" moment for the three of us. Again, what a great God would serve. One of the special things that Pastor Dave had shared at the service was that he had prayed that not only would Bailey's cousins; Grace, James and Hudson get to meet, hold and play with Bailey, but he had asked that God would bring his son Gregory to meet Bailey and hold her as well. Gregory had passed away unexpectedly when he was 10 years old, and it was such a special thing to Ryan and me that Pastor Dave would ask that his son would be a part of Bailey's life.

This is my favorite picture from the memorial service (minus my glove...which I wish I would've remembered to take off!). I love our three expressions. I feel like it really shows not only the emotion of the day, but also a portion of the abundance of people at Bailey's service. I also love seeing the people in the background. It's a great reminder of how loved and supported we've been throughout this entire journey.

This is one of my favorite pictures that I have of my brother-in-law Mike.

The casket spray turned out great as well. The "jewels" were actually from my wedding bouquet, and the ribbon is the same one that was on Bailey's blanket from my mom and the bow that she put together for the croucheted blanket I had made for her. It was the perfect size, and was both funky and yet simple enough to represent exactly how I picture Bailey. Although we only got to meet her during ultrasounds, I know that she had spunk. She always was active, except for the last time we saw her alive. It was during those glimpses of her, that she was more subdued. I didn't understand at the time, but know now that it was because she was on her way to go meet the Father. But I also feel so very fortunate for the time I got to hold her in the hospital. Because of my amazing nurses at the hospital, I was able to hold Bailey within the minute after she was born. They placed her in my arms, and I got to see her face. She looked so "at peace". I've seen other babies who have passed away before they were born, and they don't always have that expression of peace on their face. Sometimes you can tell that it was a struggle for them until the end, but with Bailey I know because of that time I was able to spend with her that she truly went peacefully and is now in peace for eternity in the Kingdom. It was truly a gift from the Lord to be able to see her that morning, and I can't wait to see her again.

I posted Bailey's video on youtube yesterday, and when I clicked on the link today found out that it has already been viewed 36 times. I'm completely overwhelmed. I've been overwhelmed by all of the responses from people on facebook, and to now see how many more people have already seen it on youtube is incredible to me. I've had a number of people come up to me and thank me for making the video, for sharing it, sharing with me their own stories of loss and heartache, telling me that Bailey's video brought healing to them over losses in their family, etc. And again, I'm overwhelmed. We made that video as a way to share Bailey's short life with those around us, but have found that it has become so much "bigger" than we ever expected. As a parent, you always want to share your kid's accomplishments and stories with the people you know, but to have Bailey's testimony actually minister to people already is an incredible gift. Thank you so much for watching her video. Thank you for commenting on facebook and this blog. Thank you for sharing it with your family and friends. Thank you for sharing your lives with us, as we've opened ours to share with you. It means so much to know that Bailey is not forgotten, to know that what happened was not a mistake, and to know that we still have a Father who orchestrates this great symphony of our lives in such a way that all of our instruments interweave to create the greatest song ever. Thank you for sharing your portion of the symphony with us, and allowing us to share ours with you.